News-by-Fish: People and Peopleism: PARTY OF BENEVOLENT DICTATORS OF KENYA (SOUTH NYANZA)

JoLuo of South Nyanza, realize they've been kanyagwad sana!

Eh, the street is talking. Word on the street is that some JoLuo Politicians from South Nyanza (Kuanzia Homabay mpaka huko chini Tarime, Tanzania) want to part ways from the Luos of Central Nyanza (Kuanzia kisumo hadi hukooo, Bol, South Sudan). Amaingly, Luo Nyanza has only two directions on the compass: South and Central, but do I say! Anyway, they want to divorce. Which is inevitable anyway...watatoka tu. They have even started a silent movement, the Street says, called Kalausi. Do you know Kalausi? Hee, kalausi is that thing we used to play in when we was childrens in Nakuru. It is some wind, that goes like a ring up, up, up while also shifting. Kisulisuli in Oswayo. See, we were told that if you can funika a kalausi using a karai, a huge snake would appear. Also, again the Streets za zamani told us if you can stand in the middle of a Kalausi you can okota a lot of money. So the South Nyanza guys now want a Kalausi. Isorait! Because even some JoLuo of those sides ahve asked them to "lead us out of this ODM!" They have identified, 1. The Slapper and 2. The Marrier as their leaders.

The problem is a Party. Not that where you are invited to eat. A Political party. They don't have one. They are shopping around.

Well, me, me I created a political Party a long time ago that I am not using. SO I want to give them to use to walk away from Central. For free...no briefcase, no cheques, no nini, no nini! If they are seriously seeking to challenge Johnny Walker, then I am giving Kidero and Otieno and all JoLuo of South Nyanza THE PARTY OF BENEVOLENT DICTATORS OF KENYA. They can even colonize Central Nyanza with this Party. So long as the tenets of the Party remain.

And what are those tenets? Eh?

Well, read below.

PARTY OF BENEVOLENT DICTATORS OF KENYA

(On Offer to JoLuo of All South Nyanza)

CONSTITUTION

A) The following shall be the structure of the Party

Party leader: DICTATOR GENERAL

Party Officials: DON’T WASTE TIME IN PETTY OFFICIALDOM

Symbol: WHIP (NYAHUNYO)

Democracy: THAT’S THE BEGINNING OF LAZINESS. DECISIONS MADE BY LOGIC!

Colors: NONE

Rallying Call: BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY!

Membership: BY FORCE

Vision: KENYA TO COLONIZE AFRICA BY 2017

B) Manifesto

PEOPLE FIRST. PEOPLE SECOND. PEOPLE THIRD.
FOOD: Self reliance. There will be no more importing of ANY foodstuffs. You shall produce enough to eat and process and export.
INFRASTRUCTURE: Kazi ngumu, Maisha bora. Nakuambia mtaunda miundo misingi mpende msipende!
HEALTH: There shall be Free Health Services for ALL.
SEX: Kenya will import only 2 million condoms per year and no one will be encouraged to have chilldren without a plan.
ALCOHOL: For every glass of chang’aa, wine, whisky, bluemoon etc., and for every bottle of beer you drink, you shall donate the equivalent amount in cash for road construction. This donation must be made before drinking.
EDUCATION: Part (a) - There will be no free education. It will be subsidized based on intellectual merit, i.e. students who attain a mark of 70% only will receive an educational subsidy. Why should we spend money on people who cannot grasp a thing in school? All education must be paid for. Part (b) - All Kenyans must attain the level of Secondary School Education
YOUTH: All young people (18-22 years) must give 2 years of Infrastructural National Service, INS. National ID cards and Secondary School certificates will only be issued at the NYS.
No person below the age of 18 shall own a phone. MPESA registration, Passport requests, Travels Abroad etc will be processed at the production of a) Certificate of Completion of the National Infrastructural Service b) National ID card c) Certificate of Secondary Education.
TRIBES: The National Museums of Kenya shall own all Kenyan tribes. No senile elders or vulture politicians will be allowed to lay claim to ‘their’ tribe.
RIOTS: The National Army shall be given a free hand for 15 minutes to quell any university riots, Gor Mahia fans' hooliganism, tribal clashes and witch-hunting in Kisii. All demonstrations and strikes shall be held, by booking, at the National Protest Park (each County and District must have its Protest Parks) grounds, with each protesting group (teachers, doctors, airport controllers, touts, lawyers, sex workers, homosexuals, busybodies etc.) given 1 hours 30 minutes. All Cabinet Secretaries concerned MUST attend, without fail, the striking/protesting session of their respective charges.
SPORTS: All Kenyans must play at least one physical sport and Chess.
GENDER: All Kenyans are created equal